just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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