So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
