Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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