Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
