If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
