I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
