Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
