Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
