he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
