I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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