If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
