you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Randomize
