I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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