I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
