he shaved USA in his pubs
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Randomize
