I wish I could teleport
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
