I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
