Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
