I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
