I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize