would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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