If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
50% drunk capacity currently
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Randomize
