I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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