Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
