Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Oh god it's open bar.
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