She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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