There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
