mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
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