Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
