There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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