You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
