this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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