sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
