You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
