i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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