I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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