I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
