Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
