I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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