Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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