That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Randomize
