I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Who did Billy Mays play for?
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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