So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
