A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Oh god it's open bar.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
