the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
my liver is dry heaving
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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