I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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