she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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