My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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