singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
