I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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