i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
