Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
