I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Why is there bacon in the couch?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
