i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
