I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
