He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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