I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
