who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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